Wisdom and quotes from my father and grandfather

I loved my dad and Grandpa very much. They were always dispensing advice in some form or another. Sometimes it was fantastic, sometimes a bit twisted. And some of these are from my tenure as a father. Time has mashed them together, so I can’t always recall who has said what!

Thanks for your opinion. Now keep your mouth shut.
If I want any shit from you, I’ll step on your head.
If I want your opinion, I’ll tell you what it is.
Opinions are like assholes. Everybody’s got one, and they all stink.
(After farting) Are farts supposed to be lumpy?
If a little is good, a LOT has to be GREAT! (typically related to grease, glue or epoxy).
If you can’t be a professional, at least you can dress like one.
Everyone loves a little, no one loves a smart. (it took me years to figure out the reference was “ass” – as in “everyone loves a little ass, but no one loves smart ass“).
You’re a pretty fart smeller (smart feller, spelled sideways).
Common sense is anything but.
You may not be hitting it, but you’re sure scaring-the-hell out of it (in regards to any time I tried to hammer a nail).
You know you’ve made it when you can fake sincerity.
We’re here for a good time, we’re not here for a long time.
A mind is a terrible thing to lose, (paraphrased from the AACP slogan “a mind is a terrible thing to waste”).
It is a poor craftsman who blames his tools.
(when in trouble) Your ass is grass, and I’m the lawnmower.
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
Experience is a tough teacher – she gives the test first, and the lesson afterwards.
An expert is a man who has made all the possible mistakes in his field of study. (paraphrased from a quote form Neils Bohr).
A lottery is a tax on the mathematically challenged. For a proof-point on this, see Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: The Lottery (HBO). BRILLIANT
Wish in one hand, and spit in the other – and see which one fills up first. ( a variation of a quote from Noelle Oxenhandler, The Wishing Year: An Experiment in Desire ).
Beware of your scorpion. (See The Scorpion and the frog, Wikipedia ).
Birth is sexually transmitted and 100% fatal.
Never excuse for malice that which can be explained by stupidity.
Never confuse activity for action (or progress).
It’s not the size of your office that’s important – it’s the size of your paycheck. (Grandmother)
I cried because I had no shoes – until a met a man who had no feet.
So I took his shoes.
Never say “It can’t get any worse than this”. It can.
You looking for sympathy? Look in the dictionary between ‘shit’ and ‘syphillis’. (Mother-in-law #1)
You make a better door than a window (usually when standing in front of the TV).
I’d rather owe it to you than cheat you out of it.
I don’t understand. I’ve cut it twice and it’s still too short!?
If it’s free, it’s worth-less.
I wash my hands before I go pee. I know where my pecker’s been . . . but I have no idea where my hands have been.
I’m too old’a cat to get screwed by a kitten.
You can’t fix stupid. (youtu.be/QDvQ77JP8nw)
If you find yourself running around in circles, perhaps it’s because you’re cutting too many corners.
It is difficult to remember your primary task is to ‘drain the swamp’ when you’re up to your ass in alligators.

No good deed goes unpunished.
Military standard language: SNAFU and FUBAR.
It is morally wrong to let a fool keep their money.
I’d rather be lucky than good.
If I’m wrong, I’ll kiss your ass – and I’ll give you half an hour to draw crowd. (If I challenged his answer)
Hunger is the best sauce.
Tell your troubles to Jesus, cuz Christ knows I have my own.
Learning to speak Russian can’t be difficult . . . all the little Russian kids speak it.
Meetings are the embalming fluid of business . . . they create the appearance of life where there is none.
Let’s not punish ourselves for being on time. (one of my college professors)
Nothing succeeds like success.
It’s like horse shit – all over the place. (regarding something very common/frequent)
Sometimes you gotta to call a spade a spade . . . and sometimes you gotta call it a fuckin’ shovel.
Paint hides a multitude of sins.
I buy you books, you eat the covers. (? still have no real idea what this means).
Remember the history books are written by the winners.
I’m built backwards. My feet smell in my nose runs.
Candy is dandy, and liquor is quicker, but sex won’t rot your teeth.
I’m gonna rip your arm off and beat you with the wet end.
In theory, there’s no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is.
A little poem:
Jean, Jean, made a machine,
Joe, Joe, made it go,
Art, art, laid a fart,
and blew the whole damn thing apart.
It ain’t illegal if you don’t get caught.
The hurridier I go, the behinder I get.
I’ll give you three guesses, and the first two don’t count. (when the answer to some question is obvious)
You’re 21, white and free. (mild hint of racism, this was dad’s response when I asked to do something and he was OK with it)
Eat your vegetables – It’ll keep your poop loose (I told my kids this one)
Did I stutter? (common response if I questioned any decision)
It’s as funny as a rubber crutch (see the free dictionary)
She/He is as crooked as a dog’s hind leg. (see the free dictionary)
There is no problem so great that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance
She/He looks rode hard and put away wet.
All your taste is in your mouth.
Better an empty house than an unwanted guest (My Grandmother after farting).
A lock only keeps an honest man honest.
Your horn sounds so much sweeter when someone else toots it.
It all ends up in the same place anyway (My Grandfather used to mix all his food together. Ug).
It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s that quick stop at the end.
After eating an unusually large meal, Dad would lean back, rub his full belly and say “I’m having a baby elephant! Wanna see his trunk?” (No, I never saw his trunk).